Y'all, I pulled of an amazing feat last week...I went seven whole days without eating out. I even turned down two invitations to go out for lunch! I saved myself $20 and a ton of calories.
Then Sunday, I had some errands to run after church so I was STARVING and on a whim I went through the Arby's drive-thru and got a beef gyro, curly fries and a drink. It was delicious. And that's where the spiral started.
Yesterday Zaxby's was running a buy one get one special on their Southern TLC meal so WBF and I went and it was delicious and only $3.50 each so...whatever. Then last night my mom texted wanting to grab lunch today and since I don't get to see her all that often anymore, I couldn't say no. I think we're going to Wendy's for some 4 for 4 cause we're all broke.
So, you know. You win some, you lose some. It's called balance, right?
Also, I baked chocolate chip cookies last night and ate four. Also ate half of one this morning while I cooked breakfast (avocado toast with an egg on top.) So, you know. Life.
In other news, this morning I had a bit of an epiphany.
I've been struggling with my body image these days. You may or may not have picked up on that in recent posts, but y'all...it's real. As excited as I was when I first started losing weight, the shine has worn off and I just feel fat again. Like, I've been at this current weight long enough that emotionally, I'm back to square one. Picking apart photos of myself, staring at the mirror not in wonder, but in disgust. My thighs are still huge. My gut still pokes out in places. My arms are...ugh.
But I pulled on my jeggings this morning and a tunic-ish top and almost changed because my thighs. They're the same thighs I had when I first bought these size 16 jeggings. The same thighs that I was so excited to showcase when I first bought them. The only thing that's changed is my mind-set.
I didn't let myself change them and, instead, took Libby outside one last time before I left for work. While I was out there waiting for her to poop, I stared down at my thighs and took a lot of deep breaths with my cleansing thoughts.
My body, while not perfect, is the strongest it's ever been. My body is healthier than it's ever been. My legs and thighs carry me through my life every day. My clothes are the smallest size I've worn since junior high which means I am the same size I was when I was 14. My body, while still lumpy, is in the best shape it's ever been. My body REVERSED itself from becoming diabetic. My body isn't perfect but it is good. It is enough. And I am committed to loving the body I am in RIGHT NOW. Because this whole journey is about the health of my body, not the appearance. My stupid brain needs to catch up with that.
It would help, of course, if everyone else didn't make this such an "appearance" thing. But I'm the one who let that matter. Even now, I must confess that half my mental struggle is worrying that people think I'm a failure now since I haven't continued to lose weight. I fear they're waiting on me to gain it all back. I know it's my own paranoia (mostly) but every photo I see, while I'm picking apart my appearance, half of what I'm thinking is that other people looking at that will think I've failed. But that shouldn't matter. I'm not working on my health for anyone but me.
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Left: 2015, 275lbs, size 4x (women's plus) top, size 26 pants. Right: 2019, 216lbs, size 2x (ladies) top, size 18 pants
But you see what I mean, right? Same shape. It's easy for me to get in my head about it.
***Originally written two weeks ago. I forgot to hit publish. But it's still true. |
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