On Being Fat: A Rant

So I hate eating in front of my family. Not because I'm ashamed of what I eat but because of the ridicule and judgement. I eat too much? Ridicule and judgement. I eat to little? Ridicule and judgement. I eat more meat than potatoes? Ridicule and judgment. I eat dessert after a meal? Ridicule and judgement. I skip dessert? Ridicule and judgement.

To be clear, there's no open ugliness about any of it. Nobody's openly saying anything rude. It's more like little digs. Or judgmental looks. You know, subtle shaming.

For instance, today I ate a Special K bar for lunch and drank water. My mother, with whom I work in the same building and usually eat lunch, offered me half her sandwich. When I told her "No thanks, I just ate," she shook her head and then dug out a can of multi-grain Pringles with a loud pronouncement. When I ignored the can, "Oh wait, never mind. You already ate," she said with a sneer and made a big show of putting them away.

So I said, "I'm eating steak tonight so I'm trying to be good today. Or actually, I'm trying to be good all week."

"Oh, so that's why you ate all that at lunch yesterday?" She's referring to the trip to Panda.

Like usual, I tried to justify myself to her. The missed breakfast, the extreme hunger, etc.

But why do I have to justify or explain anything to anybody? Why is it acceptable for anyone, family included, to judge or ridicule what and how much I consume? And why do I always let them make me feel bad or stupid or pathetic?

So long as I am not harming myself or anyone else, what difference does it make to anyone else what I do or eat? I'm trying, dammit! Trying to figure out how to get my body healthy. Trying to break out of a lifetime of obesity and food issues. I'm trying to make food LESS important in my life. But the more I try, the harder the glare. The more open the ridicule and judgement.