Face Off

I know I've been plateaued for a while now and it is frustrating to me that I haven't lost anymore weight. But I try to stay focused on the fact that at least I've been able to maintain! And sometimes, I really get hit in the face with reminders of where I've been and sometimes that's exactly what I need to keep from letting this plateau get me down.

This week, I was looking at my facebook memory for New Year's Day 2015 and I almost spit my drink out. I hardly recognized that girl in the photo! Who even was she?

January 1, 2015

To be entirely honest, 2014-2017 were some really tough years. I was deeply depressed, stuck with a supervisor who hated me and constantly disrespected me. I was miserable. I almost ate myself to death, if we're being entirely honest here. And I knew back then that my weight was out of control but the only way I knew (back then) to deal with my emotions and misery was to bake and eat. I learned some serious baking skills during that period but I also almost killed myself with food.

Don't let that sassy smirk/eyebrow fool you. I was a hot mess of misery. The smirk was, if I recall, in response to a judgy article my cousin's husband had written about the culture and psychology of selfies. He'd written about how selfies were the personification of narcissism and self involvement, etc. Basically calling out selfie takers and judging them. I have been an avid selfie taker since before there was even a word for it. Not because I am/was obsessed with my own face but moreso because I have always felt so UNSEEN.

I've remarked on my other blog how invisible I've felt off and on throughout my life. Which is actually fairly hilarious. How can someone who has always taken up so much physical space be invisible? And yet, that is how I have felt for most of my life. And so, selfies. *shrug*

Also, as someone who rarely feels beautiful, sometimes getting a good selfie with the right angle/lighting makes me feel better about myself. Or it is a good documentation of days/times when I've felt good about myself. It is the exact opposite of me being in love with my own face/reflection. And I know many other women in my social group who view selfies the same way. But my cousin's husband is a former college football star who couldn't be invisible if he tried (or at least that's how it appears from the outside looking in) and likely will never understand what it's like to want to be seen. Not necessarily admired, but just seen.

Anyway, wow! That spiraled. Back to my original point/thought...

That baby/puffy faced girl in 2015 who hid her depression in sassy selfies and the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe would be SHOCKED at the less puffy faced woman in 2020 who copes with her depression now, not with food, but with the Bible and a good cry session. And okay, occasionally with chocolate. (Let's keep it real!)

January 1, 2020

I still struggle to find my sense of self-worth and appreciate my body for the gift that it is, but I recognize the power of grace, now. The struggle, while real, is also necessary. If I hadn't ever been the miserable girl of 2015, I wouldn't appreciate the joy I've found in following this new path God has put me on. And I certainly wouldn't appreciate that new face.

(The 2020 selfie, btw, was a documentation of feeling good about myself that day. I'd tried a new eyeshadow technique and felt pretty confident. Documentation!)