Still Struggling

I'm up five pounds and one inch.

ARGH!!!

I feel like I'm spiraling. My body just isn't responding to the things I did to lose weight last year. Just full stop, not giving a shit. And the longer I've lingered with no new positive results, the more my brain has spiraled into old thinking.

I hate the way I look. I hate my clothes. There's no excitement there anymore. I look down at my body and am disgusted again, whereas I had been excited. My thighs are enormous. My belly is ridiculous. My arms are still  huge.

I KNOW I don't look the same anymore. Seeing photos of myself prior to June 2018 shocks me. For as long as it took me to get used to my "new" face, now my "old" face shocks me. I no longer recognize her. So yeah, I mean, I know I'm not as big as I once was. But the new has worn off on this "new" body. I've gotten used to it so that now it just looks and feels as awful as the 260/280 pound versions did.

I wasn't supposed to stop at 220ish. I was supposed to get down below 200. I know I cured my prediabetes and I'm thankful for that. I reached that goal. I accomplished that. But let's be real, here. Who here thought I was ever going to just be satisfied with that? I said I would be. I tried reminding myself what the goal was. But now? Now it's out there. My health isn't the ultimate goal. I've had a taste of the high that comes from losing a significant amount of weight. I want more.

But my body just isn't cooperating. And the longer the scale fluctuates between 216 and 220, the more frustrated I get. And the more frustrated I get, the more tempted I am by old habits. And the more tempted I am by old habits, the easier it is to justify eating and drinking things I know are terrible for my health.

I can't blame anyone but me, either. I have my enablers, for sure, but the blame rests exclusively on my big ol' belly.

I make plans every week to make "one small change" like I did last year. So far, those small changes last three days and then it's back to not walking. Not strength training.

I need another kick in the pants to motivate me but that's not really fair, either. What I really need is to just suck in my gut and do the damn thing. I know what I need to do. Even if those things don't show results right away, or ever. Even if I never lose another pound. I need to just stay the healthier lifestyle course if for no other reason than so that I never have to pull out my size twenty six pants again.

I know all that. Doing it is another story. If' you've read this blog or known me long enough, you know I rarely ever follow through on what I know needs to happen. To be honest, I still can't really believe I did the whole weight loss/predabetes reversal at all.

I don't have anything motivational or uplifting to end this post on this time. My determination is weak. My motivation is nonexistent. Right now I'm just...floating. Knowing what I need to do with no desire to do any of it.

Fingers crossed I did my way out soon.