I'm still hanging in there. Slowly but surely, this lifestyle is becoming enough of a habit that I don't have to think about it as hard as I did at first, hence the fewer posts. I mean, I still have my moments when "Old Jana" wants to come out to play, so I have to keep vigilant. But for the most part, I'm keeping it up.
I did lose another pound this week. Yay! I know a pound a week doesn't seem like much. It doesn't feel like much, either. Especially considering how fast those first fifteen or so pounds came off. But at this point, I feel like a pound a week is good. It's consistent. It's frustrating, but since this lifestyle change isn't about losing weight, exactly, I pound a week is gravy, right?
Doesn't mean I don't roll my eyes or grunt at the scale. Especially when I've worn myself out with all these steps and have almost nothing to "show" for it. BUT...I'm taking the victories where I can and keep reminding myself that my health is where it' at. Not weight.
I'm still struggling with comments or compliments, though. More and more people are verbally noticing and then asking "what are you doing?" and it's both flattering and frustrating. On the one hand, it's flattering that people notice my hard work but it's frustrating that many immediately want to know what the secret is. And there is no secret. Just determination, prayer, and vigilance in making healthy choices.
I think the biggest thing that people are actually noticing is not necessarily the weight loss, but more so the update in my wardrobe. At almost 40, I'm finally figuring out how to dress this body of mine. I'm by no means skinny and my body shape isn't all that different from 40lbs ago. The difference is my confidence level is slowly improving, clothing manufacturers are catching up with the fact that fat girls like fashion, too, and I'm paying more attention to what actually looks and feels better for me, personally. I'm taking an interest in my appearance, if that makes any sense. I mean, on some level, I've always CARED what I dressed like but I just didn't have the energy to really try figuring out what worked and what didn't. And I operated under the mistaken idea that the bigger you are, the more flowy your clothes needed to be in order to hide your lumps and bumps and thick thighs. What I'm slowly learning now is that fitted isn't always a bad thing. Tight t-shirts, maybe not so much, but fitted blouses with looser pants or flowy blouses with fitted pants slim the body, even when the body ain't slim. And it's a much more updated look. AND, I finally figured out how to get my hair to do things other than lay flat or rest in a bun at the back of my head. So, you know, my overall appearance has changed, not just my weight. But not many people have really figured that out.
The most annoying factor, though, and I may have already expressed this frustration, is that a lot of the people who are noticing are making comments about how I'm trying to "catch a man" as if that's the only reason a single woman would work at losing weight and updating her wardrobe. I mean, yeah, maybe I wouldn't mind finding a partner to share my life with sometimes but that's not my goal. It never actually crossed my mind as even a possibility. But that was the first conclusion that a lot of people jumped to. And as an independent woman, who has done just fine on her own, it's rather insulting. The only man I will ever chase after is Jesus, y'all. Not even joking. I might drool over this guy or that guy (hello, Aquaman!) but if Jason Moama walked past me, I wouldn't run after him. He gotta stop and notice me on his own cause I don't have time to go chasing after anyone.
And on the subject of men and dating, though, if the whole dating world did suddenly open up to me, I don't know how I'd really feel about it. I kinda feel like, if dudes couldn't love me at my heaviest, they don't really deserve me any other way. And I don't know that I could ever get past that thought. Especially, if it was someone I've known for a while who's SEEN me at my heaviest. I'd be like, too bad, so sad.
But then I also have to take into consideration that I've always believed that it's difficult to find love if you don't love yourself. And I haven't ever really loved myself before. I still don't. Not yet. I'm trying to figure out how to, but it's a work in progress. So, let's say, another 30lbs from now I've finally figured out how to love myself and someone falls in love with me, too...should I hold the 30lb difference against him? How can I expect anyone to love me when I don't love myself? And while loving myself isn't entirely wrapped up in my weight, it's definitely linked to it.
Not that any of these scenarios have presented themselves, exactly.
Ugh. I didn't mean to get that deep or even go in that direction. I think too much. haha
Anyway, 3,371 steps down today, 6,629 to go. Imma have to push myself HARD to make it today.
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