Desperation

I'm in desperate need to lose at LEAST 20lbs as quickly as possible--both for my health and my mental well being. I'm literally miserable. My belly feels like it is sitting beneath my chin and breathing is getting harder and harder every day.

This weekend I made the heartbreaking decision to go back to Slimfast/Special K shakes to help urge this weightloss along. I'm committed to sticking to it for at least 6 weeks. I don't know that it'll do anything more than drive me up the frickin wall with hunger and boredom but I've GOT to try something different than what I've been doing. Eating responsibly is SO HARD when there is so much temptation and friends urging me to go out to eat with them. Back in 2006 when I lost almost 40lbs and plateaued at 240lbs (which I maintained until around 2012) I didn't have as MUCH temptation because I didn't have a lot of friends. And I felt better back then. Not as much knee and joint pain. I wasn't struggling quite so hard with stress and depression. I wasn't battling thyroid disease and the threat of diabetes and high cholesterol. I don't even know how I did it except that it all seemed to happen when I first got Libby. Training her, chasing after her, etc. seemed to start the whole thing and I lost about 15lbs without even trying. The last 25lbs came off with the help of slimfast and continued exercise.

These days it doesn't seem to matter how active I am or how little I eat, I can't lose a pound. But let me even look at something delicious and I gain five.

And I realize that a lot of it is the fact that I'm pushing 40. I'll be 36 in March and the ol' metabolism is winding down. Also, the wacky thyroid we can't see to regulate plays a large part in it, I'm sure.

But a big part of the great weight gain of 2012-2014 is me using food to combat stress, anxiety and depression. And all it's done is not lead me stress about food and weight. So I can't seem to win.

But I have to. Or I know I'm going to die. I feel it. I feel my heart starting to struggle. I can't breathe if I'm lying on my back. I feel miserable and bloated and gross all the time. My acid reflux is at all all time high of attacks.

I don't know if the protein shakes and small meals/snacks will work. If I stick to the plan religiously, I hope they can at least be a catalyst. If I can just jump start some weight loss maybe I could regain some energy, ease up on the knee and joint pain and stop getting breathless and dizzy from just standing.

Truth: I'm scared.

I've never been scared before. I've been depressed, I've been anxious and I've even been disgusted. But I've never really been scared before. It's mostly always been about how I look. It's never really been about how this is all affecting my health. Hopefully fear will be the motivation I need to really dig my  heels in and make this work. Do something positive for myself instead of giving in to bad habits and temptations.

I had my depression binge Friday wherein I ate half a Big Mac and at least 10 McNuggets plus fries and a frappe. I was MISERABLE.

The hardest part is going to be resisting invitations from work buddies who want to pop over to the union for something even though we've brought our lunch. For one thing, I love Panda Express, as has been well established both here and in life. For another thing, I hate being left out of the social aspect of it, even though I don't even always enjoy the social aspect of it.

Pretty sure I've already discussed all that, here, but it bears repeating because it's still true and relevant. It's a real part of the struggle and I know there is a simple solution: Just say no! But saying no is hard because I hate disappointing my friends. And I hate being left out and I know from experience that eventually the invitation will cease and I'll be intentionally excluded which SUCKS.

So I don't know what the answer to all this is except to just let the friendships/invitations go and make my peace with that. Choose my health, for once.

What's so frustrating about the friends' invites is that I've discussed my health issues with them. I've expressed frustration about my weight gain over the past couple of years. And yet they still persist in eating out and wanting me to tag along and get upset with me when I do say no.

In an ideal situation, my saying no more often would be a motivation to them to take care of their own health and stop eating out so much. I know at least one of them has her own issues with high cholesterol and a family history of diabetes. This same friend has also gained quite a bit of weight over the last couple of years and she's someone who used to be thin. If we could just resolve to  help each other...

Anyway, here's to hoping this next 6 weeks lasts. I'm already struggling with hunger. But I'm hoping that the following plan--once my body is used to it--will help with that.

Breakfast: A Slimfast shake with half a piece of fruit.

Midmorning snack: Coffee (no lattes) with a fiber one brownie or a piece of fruit

Lunch: light meal such as a chicken sandwich on rye bread with lettuce, tomato and mustard (no mayo and no chips)

No midafternoon snack

Supper: Slimfast/Special K shake with a half a piece of fruit.

Dessert: one piece of something chocolate

Allowed cheat snacks: Popcorn, pretzels, fruit, tea with minimal sugar

And this is something I hope to stick to at least six days a week. I know I need to give up my Saturday morning Sonic stops. I am at least resolved (for now) to cut back to the junior burrito. It cuts the calories and fat by half, at least but is still a satisfying treat. I'll just have to do my shakes for lunch and supper on Saturdays. Sundays will be my "cheat" day which just means I'll eat a hearty breakfast, lunch (with or without my parents) and cook something healthy Sunday nights. Sunday nights will also be a good time to go ahead and cook the chicken, etc. for my lunches during the week.

That's the plan for now.

AND...I'm not going to step on the scale until the six weeks are up. At this point, it's a much a mental thing as a physical thing.