Confessions

I drank a latte today. But I resisted orange chicken.

I don't really feel all that well today. Dizzy, headachy. Slightly nauseated. Lethargic. I just am not feeling life today. Nothing new. I've gone WEEKS of not feeling life. I spent most of Christmas vacation not feeling life. I've got three week's worth of clean laundry still sitting in the basket waiting to be folded because I'm not feeling life.

But today feels oddly different. Just...weird. I feel a little outside of my body, if that makes any sense. Sort of like I'm floating. Going through the motions of laughing and joking and carrying on like normal but sort of like I'm not really connected to any of it.

I can't decide if it's a physical thing--like I physically feel bad so it's making me feel weird. Or if it's a depression thing and it's making me feel physically weird.

Yesterday, before my doctor's appointment,  I just got to feeling so overwhelmed at work that I just could feel tears building up. If I hadn't had to leave early for my appointment, I'm pretty sure I would have embarrassed myself. And it was really over something so stupid that I don't know why I felt so overwhelmed. A "straw that broke the camel's back" thing perhaps.

But I've been doing so well these last few weeks. Eating slightly better, getting along with my nemesis better. Letting things roll like water off a duck's back. I guess either I was suppressing those things and it's starting to leak out or I was just really, really tired. It's hard to say.

I wanted to chalk today's crappy weird feelings up to anxiety, since I had a little presentation to give that I was dreading. And though the weird feeling let up slightly after the presentation was over, it's come back and even as I'm sitting here typing, I just feel like it's someone else's thoughts appearing on the screen. Someone else's fingers tapping on the keyboard.

I really wanted to leave work early and go home but I didn't. For a couple of reasons...it's poor form to leave work "sick" when it's not any sort of illness I can put a label on. Not like the flu, or a migraine or anything like that. And unlike a colleague who calls in with migraines when she's having what she calls a "depression day--not, like, sad or anything--just don't really want to move from my bed," (All her words, not mine.) I can't make myself lie to my supervisor. Plus, since I carpool, leaving early involves making my ride leave early, as well. AND, going home doesn't equal rest. There's a very needy/clingy puppy who requires attention, affection, walks, belly rubs and kisses--none of which are conducive to any sort of rest. AND ALSO, I can feel weird at work just as easily as I can feel weird at home.

Anyway, I don't know where I was going with this. I think I just came here to say that nutritionally speaking, it's been a mixture of success and failure. The rest of these ramblings are just bonus.

You're welcome.