July Update: Better Late than Never

July was a real gut buster. For realz, yo.

July was Independence Day overeating nonsense, major stress eating nonsense and peer pressure eating out nonsense. I maintained my walking schedule but over indulged on food and reached the depressing 275lbs.

*sigh*

I'd kick myself if I could get my leg that high behind me.

I sort of blame my friends for wanting to go out to lunch all the time but I also blame myself. I developed this nasty (albeit delicious) habit of sneaking over to Panda Express alone and indulging in orange chicken. Two or three times a week. I let orange chicken become my stress reliever during July and it busted my gut AND my wallet.

But honestly, July was one of the easier "life" months, so I don't even know what I was stressing about. I really, really don't. I mean, work was the same but slightly calmer. Fewer meetings. Fewer people bugging me. I managed to hide away in the stacks and work without the stressors in my life bugging me too badly. Student workers were all behaving. Had a fun staycation early in the month. Towards the end of the month there were some family health issues involving sick grandparents but even that didn't stress me out too badly because I turned that all over to Jesus.

I think my biggest problem in July was that I just stopped trying. I stopped caring what harm I was doing to myself. I felt a little "woe is me" about the whole weight thing because even when I'm actively trying with everything I've got, the scale and my waistline barely budge. It's so frustrating! If I starve, I don't lose. If I eat normally, I gain. If I eat too much, I gain more. I walk and walk and sweat and kill my feet and the only progress I see is in stronger knees, which, don't get me wrong. I'm loving the stronger knees but I'd love them more if there was less weight on them.

So August. It's early days yet but I feel hopeful. I've resisted a few temptations. I've walked a satisfying amount. I ate out for lunch ONCE last week. Just once. And it made me happy and I think I might get away with not eating out at all this week. Fingers crossed.

It helps that my biggest lunch pusher was on vacation last week and half of this week. And this is the friend that I talk to about my efforts the most. My walking buddy. She knows my health issues. She's seen me struggle and yet every time I turn around she's wanting to go SOMEWHERE for lunch instead of eating the lunch she brought from home. And I have a hard time saying no because it's something I want to do too but wouldn't if she didn't ask me. I'm not strong enough to say no because a) I want the food but also b) I enjoy the social aspect of it. I don't have many friends that I actually go out and DO stuff with so when I'm asked, I tend to say yes. I said no a lot early last year and my two work friends started going and doing stuff without me and I felt really left out listening to them talk about it later.

Why does weight and food and friendships have to be so damned complicated?!?!