June Update

So a few weeks ago I hit my heaviest weight yet--270lbs!! *ugly cry* I seriously audibly expressed and Ugh! when I stepped on the scale and saw that number. It's soooooo frustrating and disheartening. It was bad enough that I had to buy new blouses and dig out some of the old larger ones that I didn't get rid of in 2006 when I dropped 30lbs. But to see that number? Ya'll, realizing that I'm one of those people that weighs almost 300lbs...I can't even form words for how disgusting/disgusted I feel with myself.

I did do something positive instead of drowning my sorrows in a vat of ice cream, though. I upped my walking mileage to try and get over a mile a day. Some days I get two miles in, depending on weather and time constraints. I also buckled down on both the tracking of my calories and staying within that calorie budget. I've gone over once or twice but I am a lot more aware now of what I'm eating and what it's potentially doing to my body in terms of fat.

One great thing about this app (My Fitness Pal) is that at the end of each day you can hit "finished logging" and it shows you what you'll weigh in five weeks if you eat that way every day. On the days I've gone over, it's enlightening to see that the scale won't budge. I mean, I know that in my head, but to see it in black and white? It really hammers it home in a place of reality.

In addition to my "formal" walking, I've also started little small things like taking the long way around to get back into my office whenever I leave. Whatever route gives me the most steps is the route I try to take. I know it's a small thing but every step counts, right? I still don't have the knees for taking stairs but I do try to walk to the elevator furthest from me.

A side benefit to all my work is that I seem to have inspired one of my friends to work at getting in shape, too. Granted she's a lot smaller than I am but she's about to turn 40 and has two children so she's started to develop what I call the "mommy pudge" around her middle. She wants to lose that so she has been walking with me and even though there are times I'd rather walk alone, it is helpful that she will often nudge me to go walk when I really would rather sit at my desk. I haven't been as lenient with myself as I've been in the past, though, so more often than not, if she can't come with me I still go. And those are often the best walks.

I still struggle with my food choices though. Like today, for instance. I had a really filling breakfast because I knew I'd have a meeting later on and didn't want to have a growling tummy. But friend asked me to go get a biscuit with her prior to the meeting and, well, I went. Ate the 450 calorie biscuit and am feeling pretty miserable about it now. Both in the sense that I knew I didn't need it and also with indigestion. 

I wish there was a way to better plan ahead for these things. I could have skipped the filling breakfast and just made the biscuit my only breakfast had I been able to plan. Or I could have just told friend, "I'll walk over with you, but I'm not eating." But I wanted the biscuit and I wanted the social aspect of eating with a friend. So I sacrificed 450 calories on something I could have done without. AND I didn't get my morning walk because we ate instead of walking.

Anyway, all that to say that I'm frustrated, struggling and disgusted but I'm still trying. Still tracking and doing the best I can to break old habits, establish new ones and get closer to the 200lb mark than the 300lb one.

I am happy to note, though, that when I weighed this past Friday, I was back down to 269 after three weeks stuck at 270. So there's that. A wee small bit of hope that something I'm doing is making a positive difference.

:-)