Bleh

Feeling a little depressed tonight. Family stuff. I just...I was sitting here alone eating my feelings--again--and I had an epiphany. A possibility for why I struggle with food so much, even now when I know that if I don't eat healthily my life will be cut short.

I'm not brave enough to eat a bullet or slit my wrists or to even swallow a bottle of pills. But eating--eating is a socially acceptable way to kill myself. 

And sometimes I want to. I want to die because dying would be so much easier than living. So much less painful. And I honestly think the world at large wouldn't miss me. I think there would even be relief for many for me to be gone. Out of the way. It isn't as though anyone really loves me anyway.

Sad part is, the only reason I'd ever want to NOT die is because I'd hate to leave my pup, Libby, alone. I couldn't bear to leave her to the mercy of the very people who don't love me at all.

I realize this makes me completely crazy and frighteningly so. There are pills for this but how would I even get access to them? Even my doctor doesn't give a damn about me other than the insurance money he gets from my yearly lab tests. And it's not like I'd ever have the courage to talk about it with him or anyone.

Anyway. Like I said. A little depressed tonight.