Weekly Weigh-in and My New Reality

So yesterday was my second weigh-in day of my official "better eating" goal. Last Friday I had actually lost two pounds even after a trip to Chick-fil-A earlier in the week. This week? I gained those two pounds back. *sigh*

I must confess, though, that this has been a killer eat out week.

• Last Friday (after weigh-in that morning) I had a work lunch at the local BBQ place--though I did order the small sandwich with my onion strings. haha 
• Sunday my parents decided to go to Pizza Hut instead of cooking lunch (I visit with them after church on Sundays) so we went there and I confess I was not all that careful in what and how much I ate since we got the buffet. 
• Tuesday I forgot to pack my lunch so I went to Panda Express. I did try to be "good" there and got the one entry bowl instead of the two entry plate and won tons that I usually get.
• Wednesday night a friend and I went out to supper and a movie. We ate at Buffalo Wild Wings and I got mozzarella sticks, potato wedges and a monster of a fried chicken sandwich. It was all delish but I'm sure it was an entire DAY's worth of calories/fat.

I did eat well the rest of the week, though. Too light sometimes, I think. Wednesday, for instance, I barely ate anything at all because I knew we were going out that night. I have to wonder if that sort of thing is more harmful than helpful, though. If I hadn't been so incredibly hungry I might not have been as tempted to get such a large meal. Or I'd have at least left off the mozzarella sticks. :-/

*sigh*

It just seems like I've been awfully hungry this week to have not lost ANYTHING. I mean, we're talking serious lightheaded hunger pains at times, ya'll. And I really haven't binged. Okay, so maybe I have been a little free and easy with the chocolate chips (danged sweet tooth!) but a couple of tablespoons of chocolate chips shouldn't have made that big a difference to the calorie count right? Or maybe that's just me being too easy on myself again.

*double sigh*

I haven't been all that active this week, either, though. So that could account for some of the gain/no loss. Main reason being that I've just been tired a lot. But also my left knee has been giving me FITS. Not bending properly, giving out on me randomly--I can't count how many times I've almost fallen this week--stiff and achy and hard to walk.

Wednesday night as we were making out way down the steps at the movie theater and I was hobbling  and struggling to make down the steps, all I could think about was how pathetic I must look to everyone. I know I used to pity the fat people who struggled with stairs/steps/walking. And now that person is me. Gah!

It's even more frustrating because while I've always been a big girl I've also always been able to get around like a thinner girl. I used to get on the floor and play with my nieces and nephews like it was nothing. I used to run around and play with them. Heck, I used to be able to do actual exercises. Now just walking is painful and difficult. My niece has even adapted to the "can't get on the floor" reality that my life has become. The last time I was over to play with them she suggested a game of Memory--a game we used to get down on the floor and play. This time she said, "we can set it up on my bed so you don't have to get in the floor."

I almost cried! I don't want to be the aunt who can't get on the floor to play!

I hate being this way. And I know if only I could lose weight my knees would feel better. But it's hard to lose weight when you can't move! It's one of those catch 22's. I need healthy knees to exercise and lose weight but I can't exercise because I'm so fat that my knees are shot. Grrrr

Anyway, I'm not letting this weigh-in set me back. I'm moving forward and doing the best that I can. I made semi-good choices yesterday. I say "semi-good" because I'm not sure how  good a choice it was to have toppings-laden frozen yogurt for lunch instead of an actual meal. Yogurt was low-fat but toppings weren't. And...Fro-yo for lunch? Probably not a good idea. But it was one instance of peer driven dietary decision making. In other words, a friend invited me to go with her and I didn't want to miss out so I went along. Not blaming the friend at all. Just saying that had she not invited me, fro-yo for lunch wouldn't have even crossed my mind let alone been something I'd have done. *shrugs*

I did work the rest of my eating yesterday around that decision though. Healthy low-cal snack. Factored my supper in calorie-wise. So I think I still did okay.

One other thing I did yesterday was to sit down and write out an actual meal plan complete with grocery list for the coming week. It is a meal plan that has actual food instead of Protein Bars and low fat deli meat. A meal plan where-in I actually cook. The only real drawback to that is dishes. I hate washing dishes. Blah.

I'll post that plan tomorrow, though, and discuss next week how well it all worked out. I'm holding my breath to avoid anymore peer driven dietary decisions. I keep hoping that my friends will all decide to lose weight too so that they won't be an excuse for me anymore. haha

True Confession Time:

For today, I'm consciously deciding to treat myself to Wendy's for lunch. I'm working through lunch time today so by the time I get off work I know I will be starved and it will be late enough that the Bacon Pretzel Burger I want to try will likely serve as both lunch and supper.

I also did a calorie recon before making this decision. For around 900 calories I can get the burger and a Coke. I'm just saying no to the fries. I think. :-/ If keeping to a 1600 calorie day (recommended by SparkPeople.com for my current weight vs. goal) I will still have nearly 400 calories to play with  the rest of the day. That's after counting what I ate for breakfast, as well. If I have the fries I'll have about 200 calories left to play with. So I'm going to have to really decide how much those fries are worth to me. 

Anyway, here's to making conscious eating choices and having a better weigh-in next week.