Twenty. That's how many pounds away I am from being my pre-weightloss weight. Greif, stress, and hypothyroidism have hijacked my health and most days I feel helpless to stop it.
It started in late 2020 when my mom was so sick with Cancer that she couldn't get around by herself. I was working from home and helping my dad take care of her when I could. Long trips to doctors visits and stops on the way home for fast food. Comforting myself with a Starbucks when I could. Making (and eating) all the Christmas treats. I gained 15lbs.
Then my mom died in March 2021 and since then I have comforted myself up another 15lbs. Fast food on the weekends. Sugary coffees. Daily chocolate. For a while I was on a daily honeybun kick but I've managed to let that go.
For the past two weeks the scale has sat at 260. At my yearly wellness visit with my doctor back in March she said I was a couple points away from being pre-diabetic again. I had thought that that would kickstart me the way the pre-diabetic diagnosis in 2018 did but it has not. I can't seem to get my mind focused back on healthy eating and regular movement. And all the while I cry when I look in a mirror or see photos of myself from 2019 when I felt amazing.
I don't know where to start this time. I do okay for a day and then have a string of "fuck it" days wherein I eat all the things. I've asked myself so many times over the past year "where am I going wrong?" and the answer is, I lack consistency. It's not about motivation this time. It's about consistency. Consistently choosing my health instead of eating my emotions.
Now that I know the why, I need to figure out the how. How do I make myself consistently choose my health? How do I make myself consistently let go of the notion that I "deserve" a treat or that somehow a "treat" is going to fix my broken heart.
Several of my colleagues are doing these strict diet plans. One of them "Optavia", I think, uses shakes and severe dietary restrictions to help lose weight and at lease one colleague has lost close to 100lbs. But I can't see myself being that strict. Another colleague is doing a diabetic based version of Keto (it has a fancy name and requires a membership but it's basically the keto diet.) and she's lost 11lbs in the past month. I can't imagine myself giving up all sugar/carbs.
Ultimately, those types of diets aren't sustainable, though. Apparently, eating by diabetic guidelines isn't sustainable, either, since I didn't sustain it after 2020.
I don't know what the point of this post is. Maybe it's just to serve as documentation of my "journey" in the battle of health and weight loss. I'm not making excuses. I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself though I've been told to be gentle on myself in this season of my life. But at some point I have to take responsibility and take back control over my health. I have to let go of the subconscious notion that food will somehow heal what's broken in me. It won't. I can never get my pre-2020 life back. That version of myself is gone forever. But I can reclaim my 2019 health. I WILL reclaim that. I just need to figure out how.
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