A Week of Bleh

No, peeps, I haven't had a terrible dietary week. I've largely stayed on track. My energy level, however, has been abysmal. I've slacked on my activity (walking, staying physically busy at work, etc.) I don't know if last week threw me off because I wasn't able to be as active last week or if there's a spot of depression settling in. I don't "feel" depressed. But usually by the time my emotional reaction catches up, my body is already in the throes of depression.

First step, of course, is recognizing that something's up. I physically don't feel quite myself. Noted.

Second step is checking in with myself on my feelings.

I suppose it's natural to take a dip in the depressed direction after the past couple of weeks. With losing my grandfather, my dad's little medication scare,  and some other stresses that have hit my family, it's a wonder I'm not deep in the throes of depression.

Third step is facing it head on so that I don't let it get a grip on me.

That's the hard part. Really working toward wrestling my way out of it. I know that sounds really simple and maybe not something that a lot of people who deal with depression can do. And I haven't always. I've had to spend a lot of time with myself, exploring my depression and figuring out triggers. To be honest, I can't always figure out what the trigger is. Sometimes it's just a sneak up. Sometimes it's something that happens...someone is awful to me, or I have a series of "bad breaks" or disappointments, or I am confronted with a situation that shakes my insecurities/confidence/self esteem.

Sometimes, it's the weather...and I don't mean rain or cold. I love the rain and cold. I LIVE for winter. Of course, I don't live where it snows all winter, either, but I love a good deep cold Mississippi winter...in those rare years we have one. Last year we had an AMAZING long, cold winter. And that's when the worst of my depression shook loose and I started to see some light. We had three years in a row of warm winters and y'all...I know it probably sounds wack-a-doodle, but honestly, I think that extremely long period of hot weather gave me major seasonal affective disorder...the disorder most folks only get in winter. But the heat makes me miserable whereas the cold breathes new life in me. It's been a miserably hot summer, this year, and then on top of that, I lived in the heat of an unairconditioned house last week. So that could be another factor of my current lethargy.

An example of checking in with my emotions: Yesterday was...well, I had a run-in with one of my bosses and having not had that sort of work stress in the past year, it really threw me. I cried. I got really angry and fumed all day. And yes. I ate a snickers bar and drank a Coke. Not proud of it. And it didn't help my feelings at all. As in, there wasn't any relief in it. I was still mad. I was still hurt. When I made myself confront my feelings, though, and replay the incident in my head, I realized, I had way overreacted. The confrontation wasn't nearly as bad as my reaction to it. And in this reflection, I asked myself, why had I reacted that way?  I still don't really know, except that I really respect this person and it felt really crappy to be berated without any real reason. But it could have also just been a "tipping point" situation. Another symptom of the depression I suspect is creeping up on me.

*sigh*

I know depression isn't the subject of this blog but I am also honest enough with myself to admit that a lot of my weight problems stem from emotional eating due to depression. I've always joked that I wished I was one of those depressed people who lost their appetite...TBH, I'm only half joking when I say that. Succeeding at beating prediabetes means changing behaviors. Changing behaviors means responding differently to emotions, including depression.

So,  next step? Make myself get up and move even though I don't feel like it. Even if it simply means just getting up and moving around for a minute. Or getting up and sweeping the floor at home. Or taking the long way when walking around the building at work. Just to get me started. Once I get myself started, the hope is that I build momentum and push past this depression lethargy. Get some endorphins flowing before it takes over my life again and undoes all the hard work I've put in.