Starting Over

Two years later...

I got the diagnosis last week. I'm officially prediabetic. Even though I've lost another 13 pounds over the last two years. But...I know exactly what happened. I stopped paying attention.

Starbucks white chocolate mocha...I was drinking at least two of those a week. Those things are PURE SUGAR. Like, what the actual hell have I been doing to my body?

I got to the point where I was eating out more than I was eating healthy. I had a Coke nearly every day, usually accompanied by vending machine chips or a candy bar. Making extravagant waffles with salted caramel chips and chocolate chips on weekends. And I justified it all with the whole, "I get plenty of movement. I do close to 10,000 steps most days." Except, I wasn't. At least not consistently.

I just re-read the whine infested previous posts from two years ago when I was almost prediabetic. It makes me sad. I had a golden opportunity to make some serious changes and reverse this before it even became a thing and I blew it! I made excuses! I put my cravings ahead of my health. I let myself think that it was okay. I deserved the taste of the things that made me happy and that was all that mattered. And I accepted the defeat that I could just never change.

Well, this week I've taken a good hard look at my life and the things I was putting in my body. I've combed through the nutritional information of all my favorite eating spots...well, the ones that offer nutritional information. I've written it all down...the carb counts, mostly. That's what I'm focusing on right now. I'll worry about calories once I get the carb counting thing figured out. That nutritional information was an eye opener!

I dug out my mom's old carb/nutrition guidelines that her dietitian gave her when she was first diagnosed diabetic and I've been studying it. Figuring out how many carbs I need to eat and how many is too many. Which foods are better than others, etc. I'm very fortunate that I have years of listening to my mother's diabetic education and learning from her struggles to even know where to begin because Lord knows, my doctor didn't give me any direction. Just "change your diet and exercise." Thanks, doc. That's super helpful. Except not.

I've also been researching on-line about how to reverse a pre-diabetic diagnosis. Some of it is at odds with what I know from my mother so I'm considering making an appointment with a nutritionist/dietitian to see if there's been any new info or new standards I should be following.

For this week, though, I've just been kind of taking things slow. My first line of defense was telling my best work friend about it. She's my Starbucks/eating out accomplice and I knew I had to tell her so that she wouldn't take it personally if I was suddenly no longer on board with going out to eat as frequently. My next steps have been to avoid buying anything in Starbucks...though I did end up going to it with WBF (work best friend) when she had a craving. I haven't been out to eat but once, and that was Sunday with my parents and nephew. I bought a bunch of carb friendly snacks when I went grocery shopping...things like almonds,  unsweetened apple sauce that I mix a little cinnamon into, and turkey Slim Jims. I've been taking sandwich wraps for lunch and eating salad for supper. I made coffee at home one night (with one less tsp. of sugar than normal) and had coffee at work one day. I did buy a tea at Chick-fil-A but I got them to make it half sweet/half unsweet to cut the sugar in half. And I made myself one cup of hot tea last night, using one less teaspoon of sugar than normal.

It's a process, weening myself off of the things I love...changing my thinking...changing my habits!

The worst part of it all, though, is that WBF isn't really all that supportive. I think she wants to be and thinks she is, but half the time she makes a joke out of it and the other half she's trying to tempt me into things...when she's not policing what I'm eating. So that's a weird new dynamic to our friendship. Never mind the fact that a couple of months ago when she decided wholesale that she needed to lose some weight and was going to stop eating out/drinking Starbucks I supported  her 100%. I listened as she told me all about it and when I "needed" some Starbucks or wanted to grab some orange chicken, I did so without really telling her so that she wouldn't be tempted. I encouraged her to keep walking (before it got so hot) and when she fell off the wagon I  didn't really say much because I don't like to be policed so I didn't want to be the food police either.

Anyway, I haven't told my parents yet because my mother has been almost gleefully waiting for this moment so she could say "I told you so." She's been saying I'm going to be diabetic ever since she was diagnosed 15 years ago. (I'm fat, ergo, I'll become diabetic and then she'll have all the ammo she needs to lecture me daily.) I know she doesn't WANT me to be diabetic but that's how she makes me feel at times and I'm just not strong enough yet in this new mindset to deal with her too. So I'm doing this quietly. Making small changes. Things she may not really notice...at least, not at first. And I did feed her the line that WBF and I are trying to cut back on eating out because we both want to lose some weight...which, isn't exactly a lie. I'm hoping that WBF will get back on the wagon of wanting to lose some weight and then we can be each other's support.

But it doesn't really matter what WBF decides to do. I've got to do this for myself.  Because I don't want to have to stick my finger three times a day for the rest of my life. I don't want to go blind, or lose an foot, or all the other myriad of dismal things diabetes can cause. If I'm going to live...and it looks like I am...I want to do it with good health. So I'm going to do what I know I have to do...cut out sugary drinks, count my carbs, stay as active as time and my cripple foot will allow and if that means that WBF and I start drifting apart and eventually go our separate ways, so be it.

So as of this morning, I weigh 260.1. That's about 2-3lbs I lost this week. More than likely water weight from not having had any high sodium fast food. But I'll take it! I just have to remind myself that while weight loss would be terrific, it's not the primary goal here...the primary goal is to change my eating/drinking habits for the better. To put the focus on changing my lifestyle. Changing my palate, even. This is not a diet or a temporary thing...this is my LIFE. Any weight loss is a side effect, not the end game.