Starting Over Again

I've had approximately eleventy-billion blogs/diaries/journals about my effort to lose weight. I've also QUIT evelenty-billion blogs/diaries/journals. Usually because I quit trying to lose weight.

Oh, I talk a good game at the beginning. Rhapsodize about how I'm NEVER giving up. And then I give up. The last time I gave up was about a year ago. I'd lost around 15lbs or so. Was "working out" exhaustively with a couple of DVD's. Starving myself. The usual. Then I developed what I assumed was shin splints, took a few weeks off to recover, gained 5lbs back and tried the DVD's again only to seriously create some new knee problems. Knee problems that I let derail me entirely.

Fast forward to now and, well, I'm the heaviest I've been since 2006. I somehow lost 35lbs back then and managed to keep 25lbs of it off for the next six years. But this past year I've just really let it all go. I stopped eating right. I stopped all forms of exercise. Started eating out more often. Started keeping junk like chips and cookies in the house. Went back to drinking a lot of sodas.

Basically, I shot myself in the foot.

Lots of factors/excuses I could toss out. Stress and depression being at the top. Both valid excuses/reasons, of course, but the plain truth is I just got lazy. I stopped paying attention and just let it all go.

But now I'm to the point where I just can't let myself continue on this way. I can't do it. I have GOT to get this extra 20 or so pounds off. I realize I'll never be thin. It's a basic fact of my life. I've never BEEN thin and I'll never BE thin. But what I can be is healthy. What I can do is feel better. So that's what I'm aiming for right night. This fat girl just wants to be a little less fat.

So here's the plan:

I have a theory that once I get this extra fat off, my knees will feel better. Until then I'm limited on the types and amount of exercise I can do. Mostly, for now I'm just going to focus on working harder at the physical elements of my job. I have lots of low impact opportunities to be active at work. I just have to get up and DO IT.

Once the knees feel better I can integrate some other things like (maybe) walking or some of the milder DVD's . Then work my way up to the harder stuff as my knees feel stronger. Basically, I'm giving myself permission to let my body dictate the level, type and amount of physical activity/exercise I do. No more re-injuring myself.

As for my eating habits, this is where I'm really struggling. I understand the concept of calories. If there's one thing any fat girl knows, it's how to count calories. BUT, the part I struggle with is choosing foods that are low in calories but are also quick, easy, portable (for bringing to work), inexpensive and taste good enough that I won't want to kill myself.

For as much as I love and enjoy food, I have a hard time feeding myself good quality low calorie food.  Junk is much easier and often cheaper. I like salads but I tire of them quickly. Sandwiches are....meh. Good only once in a while. I enjoy cooking but I hate to cook lunch and carry it to work because once refrigerated and reheated, it loses most of it's flavor which really sucks the enjoyment out of the meal. And I'm the type of person who has to really enjoy what she's eating or I go on a binge.

(Don't talk to me about self-control and willpower. I've been there. There's no rationalizing with a fat-distorted brain no matter how many mantras you recite or how deeply you hate yourself.)

What I'm doing right now to try and "cleanse" my brain and get used to thinking about food differently.

The meal plan right now is:

Breakfast: Special K Meal Bars (180 calories)

They're not altogether tasty but they aren't entirely nasty either. Once I tire of them I'll revisit the whole "breakfast thing" Maybe start getting up earlier to prepare something I enjoy more. I was eating cheerios for a while but got bored/tired of them.

Snack: International Delight Iced Mocha (180 calories) I'm a coffee/latte fiend. This satisfies that craving  without all the fat and calories of a Starbuck's white mocha.

Lunch: Tortilla roll-ups using whole wheat tortillas, a small smear of flavored cream cheese and five slices of low fat lean deli meat. This week it's turkey. Also, baby carrots and low fat ranch dip. (305 calories)

Snack: 7.5oz Coke (90 calories) Satisfies the soda craving on a small and manageable scale. Hoping to ease myself out of this habit.

Supper: TBD on a daily basis. Some nights it's egg scrambles with cheese and lean deli meat. Some nights it's a tilapia fillet. Last night it was a grill chicken leg quarter and biscuit with tomatoes.  I try to keep supper under 600 calories.

My daily calorie goal is currently 1300. Maybe a little drastic, but I need some time to re-adjust my thinking on food and my body's insatiable craving for MORE.

Next week I'm hoping to have a tastier healthy menu. I'm researching what other thin/healthy eaters eat and will try to incorporate that.

Tomorrow I'll try to remember to fill in the other little things I'm doing to kickstart my body and mind's new attitude.